Paranoia - My Life as a Multiple #20
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Being a Multiple comes with many feelings and different states of being. Paranoia is one of the most problematic. It cuts through your mind with its lightning strikes, creating illusions of its own. Making connections where there are no real connections. Causing you to mistrust your own eyes. It has cost us friendships as we began mistrusting those who were trying to draw near. Paranoia thrusts you to the ground with its debilitating attacks.
Then comes the anxiety that has us pacing the floor at night. I'm sure we have all felt anxiety. Many nights we find ourselves washing our hands, trying to get rid of the sweaty palms. We try to calm our racing heart and the fear that grips us and won't let go. This is life as a multiple.
Some alters are more paranoid than others. One of the worst is Caine. Caine gets an attack of paranoia and threatens to shutdown our whole system and keep us from writing or making sets or talking to anyone. He calls this "lockdown." When this happens, I see Caine in my mind, running through the halls screaming "lockdown!" The system immediately shuts down. Through dreamwork, Dante and I work to calm Caine's fears and allow the system to function again.
We can become paranoid over the most minor things. It might be a title on a set someone makes. It certainly has nothing to do with us, but Caine decides it has meaning and it is always an ulterior motive to him. He begins to try to make connections to other people's sets and tries to convince us there is a bigger plot going on to take us down. Dante and I work with Caine and the other scared alters who will rally behind him like Nico. We make them see in the goodness of people and convince him he has no need to fear.
Jesse can be helpful with calming Caine unless one or more of his alters start to believe Caine and get paranoid as well. This can cause a huge upheaval in both our systems. Dante has to work with both of us by calming my system first so he can talk to Jesse's system. It can get really crazy over here.
But thankfully most days are not like this. I keep a close watch on my system these days and if I see it getting paranoid, I deal with it right away. I remind everyone that we have received nothing but support for our blog. And I point out our many friends and ask why they would want to do such a terrible thing? Caine usually sees reason and begins to rest.
I think it is a terrible thing when you cannot trust your own mind sometimes. When the nature of the illness just causes paranoia and anxiety. For some, this can be an endless place of torment. I have known people with DID who are like this. My heart goes out to them. I am grateful that my system will return to sanity. But one thing I do--is watch what kind of movies we watch and I'm careful about what I let into our mind. Only good things, kind things, beautiful things and I think this helps us so much.
Thank you to you, sweet reader, for reading and trying to understand us. Our paranoia was much worse on Polyvore. It was so much bigger. That is one reason I started the blog and decided to be open and honest here on Urstyle. It keeps our paranoia at bay. So, thank you all for your comments because it helps us so much! Thank you for being you, sweet reader.
Hugs, Nikki xx
Comments (13) -
Thank you for writing about this, Darling, it's such a big problem for us. It's not just urstyle, it's everything and I think you explained that really well.
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@darkprince Thank you for your comment, baby! It's true that this is a big problem for us and a big part of the illness. But the comments on the blog have been so supportive, I haven't had hardly any paranoia on Urstyle. Maybe being more public has been an answer for us. I hope so!
Hugs, Nikki xoxo
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Sorry to hear that you had some sort of problems like that on Polyvore. And I remember you mentioned that there is someone like that on here too. I do hope they don't influence your life in a bad way, just don't pay attention to those people (although I can understand that it's hard since you are a multiple). But, as you can see, there are supportive people here. Thank you for posting this blog! Have a beautiful day! Hugs
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Oh sweet Nikki and Jesse. if we can just keep you in a happy place here, filled with beauty, creativity, friendship and when in doubt, just come back here and read the support you have here. I know the mistrust in people, that uneasy felling, but I only have one of me, you have several pulling you in different directions, I can't even imagine trying to quiet the negative alters, I am happy they are mostly quiet and you can't talk them down, with hugs and blessings. Summer is beautiful, you a Jesse take a walk in nature and look at all the pretty flowers blooming, the green trees, maybe a picnic, getting in nature away from everything and everyone is so calming for the soul. God Bless!
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@asia-12 I do see that there are supportive people here and I am so thankful for you. We have not had paranoid problems on Urstyle yet. There is that one person but it's just one and we are not bothered much by it. There are so many more people here who are supportive and wonderful people like you! I am so grateful to you for your comment and for just being there for us. You are a very special person, Asya. Hugging you.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@sjlew Thank you so much for your comment! You are making Urstyle such a wonderful place for us to be! We are happy and creating and for the most part we are not having problems. I thought the blog entry on paranoia was important because it is a big part of DID and if people want to know what the illness entails, this is part of it. It is one thing we fight against and so far we are winning the fight! Yay! I loved your suggestion of getting into nature and we plan to do that as often as we can. Thank you so much for being our friend!!! Hugs tight!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 I love your positive attitude sweetie!
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Another stunning & powerful art piece and blog dear Nikki! Sending love, positive energy & comfort to both you & Jesse! Love Dianne xxxxxxx
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@diannec Thank you so much, Dianne and thank you for reading!!! You are so dear to Jesse and I!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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Just reminding you that I am one of your supporter! Hugs, Rhana xo
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@rboowybe You truly ARE one of our supporters and we count you as one. Thank you so much for your comment reminding us of that!! You are amazing, Rhana, really!!! Hugging you!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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It seems a little crazy, but reading this made me feel?? Sane? That if someone else can deal with these things (BP is obviously very different from DID but you get my drift) and get through it that maybe I can too? I’m very happy you’ve decided to share this with us! I’m here for you anytime! I just want to set your system at ease towards me or my sets. I would in no way do anything to hurt you! I know it sounds silly, but me of all people know that even the smallest of reassurance can go a long way! If you ever need anything I’m just a click away. Always!
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@filthysoul Your comment made me smile! Yes, I guess it's true that our life seems completely insane and it is sometimes but at other times, we look and act as normal as anyone. I'm so glad if our story made you feel better. I really am. I am writing to build tolerance and to help people see just the things you are seeing--that it could be a lot worse. You are so sweet to comment! Thank you for your offer of help, it means a lot to us. Your support means the world.
Hugs, Nikki xx