My Life as a Multiple #19
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POLYFRAGMENTED DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER
Mel made this set 5 years ago and wrote about Poly-DID. Here is an excerpt from what she wrote: "Most individuals with dissociative identity disorder have less than a dozen alters, (Howell, 2011) however at the far end of the spectrum are those individuals with polyfragmented dissociative identity disorder, having many distinct states. (Howell, 2011, p. 57) [1] The complexity of dissociative symptoms appears to be consistent with the severity of early tramatization. (Chu, 2011) Large systems of alters are often broken into subsystems as a method of self-preservation and organization of trauma memories, and even intentional programming.
Polyfragmentation often develops in children who suffered very early, extreme and directed abuse, such as is seen in ritual abuse and some known government programs. The individuals may have programming that does not allow them to acknowledge their mental disorder. (Miller, 2011)
It has been difficult to determine an average number of alters for most individuals with dissociative identity disorder. Ignoring unusually large and unusually small numbers, Ross (1988):40 determined the average was 15.7. More recently, Howell (2011):57 states the number of alters usually ranges in the teens, with some having only a few states while others will have many parts.[2]:57"
Citations:
http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.net/wiki/Polyfragmented_dissociative_identity_disorderhttp://www.d.umn.edu/~schilton/WOR_Grundrisse/SurvivorshipNotes/SELF SYS.PDF
Not all people with Multiples have more than one system. It is fairly rare although I'm betting more cases are coming forward since there are studies on it now. It's not an easy way to live. It's the main reason why I cannot integrate fully as one system is dependent on the other system and each system works almost as a single entity. Yes, there are many of us, but we all work together to get anything done in a day. I can't count all the ways my alters help me in a day to take a shower, get dressed for the day, drive the car, etc. I would be lost without them even though they sometimes drive me crazy. You have to remember, I have lived this way since I was a child. So, having many people in my head is my normal.
As I sit here writing this, I can hear at least three distinct voices all telling me to do something different related to this blog. One likes it and says keep writing, another says stop writing entirely, another one is worried I will upset someone who reads this blog. And it goes on and on... My alters even worry about you, sweet reader. That's why I try to be very careful in what I say.
Thank you for reading so many blog entries to get here. You are my heroes and my friends. I am so grateful for you and just for you taking the time to understand. It means so much to me, personally. I hope your day is a good one filled with many blessings.
Hugs, Nikki xx
Comments (16) -
I am grateful for the learning experience, Nikki, and appreciate you taking the time to share with us. I'm sorry that your alters worry about us or don't want you to share. It's difficult when there is discord.
My life has always been lived by the "someone has it worse than me" standard, and no matter how rough things get, I know darned good and well that there is always someone way, way worse off somewhere. Therefore, I am grateful that my problems are not insurmountable. I say prayers for those in need, and do my best to meet my challenges when I am ready to face them. Sometimes that takes a while.
Believe it or not, your blog is actually helping me. I've been in therapy for a while, and I have trouble digging into my own brain. I can get into anyone else's, but my own is difficult. You are giving me much to think about, and it is causing things to break loose for me. This is good, and much appreciated. Please pass on to your alters that I am grateful for your help...intended or not!
You've heard the old adage about when a butterfly flaps it's wings and some time later there's a storm on the other side of the world as a result? Everything touches everything else. You're giving me a gift, both of help and of knowledge.
In gratitude,
Jo
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Thank you for sharing your life with us. All of you write very well. I enjoyed your blog post and it did not upset me at all. This is the first one I have read by you, or anyone on UrStyle. I look forward to reading more. Your sharing makes me feel less alone, more connected, since others are dealing with the hand they have been dealt just like I am dealing with my own. This makes us more alike than different and there is comfort in that. Again, thank you for your words. They are quite powerful.
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@gypsy-jo Jo, that was the sweetest comment I think anyone has ever written me. Thank you. It really does help me to know I am helping you. And it really does give me something to say to my alters. I can point them back to your comment and tell them we are helping someone else when we write. You are so right that someone is always worse off than we are. I know this is true. I have met over the years, many people with DID and they were way worse off than I was. Some of them would not have even been sane enough to write a blog on their life experiences. I am so grateful for my sanity, such as it is, and how well my alters do work together today. You remind me that I am a lucky woman and I thank you for that.
Hugging you tight, Nikki xx
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Thank you for taking the time to inform us of your many total beings. wow!! It is definitely an experience far from my mind. Your many blogs are extremely high and low plus amazing in their each episode. You should write a book my friend. It would probably be a bestseller. Thank you again for the interesting reading. Hugs xx
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@joy2theworld Thank you so much for your very kind and sweet comment. I'm so sorry for whatever you may be going through and I am so happy that my blog helps you. I think it is helpful to realize that we all have something in our lives that we deal with and it is with sharing and reaching out that we find our common ground with others. You are a dear one to have left me a comment and I appreciate it so much! I hope you have a wonderful day!!!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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Thank you dear Nikki for your beautifully written explanation of your life as a Multiple. I don't pretend to understand your experience but I admire your strength and bravery. Society is not kind in many cases but I always try to be. You are an inspiration. Know that I am your friend. Big hugs xxxxxxx PS I will read your blog as many times as it takes to penetrate my mind.
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I feel as Jo does, no matter how bad things are for me there is always someone worse off then me. I have very much enjoyed reading your blog and getting to know you and your alters and understanding more about DID. You are a strong person, stronger than I think you even know. Thank you for taking the time and having the courage to share your story with us. Hugs, Rhana xoxo
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@diannec Dianne, you win the award for perseverance for reading my blog! Thank you so much for your willingness to understand and know that I will answer any questions you might have. I am trying very hard to open a dialogue so people can understand others with DID. I think it helps us all build a network of support with each other. Writing can be hard for me with all these people in my head, so your comment is so sweet and meaningful to me. Thank you for reading, my sweet, sweet, friend! Hugging you.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@beverly Your comment was very sweet! I have written a book but I have yet to publish it. That is next on my agenda. I am so grateful for your comment and just knowing that you enjoy my blog. I was hoping people would enjoy it and would just learn about this very complicated mental illness. I know many others cannot speak openly about this illness and in upcoming blogs, I will explain some of the reasons why. I am so lucky in so many ways. I'm happy just to have survived my life. Your comment brought a smile to my heart! Thank you so much, sweet friend for leaving a comment and for reading!!!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@rboowybe Oh Rhana, so many people have told me I was strong but I feel so weak inside and it's hard to see myself as strong. But I thank you for reminding me that I am and for just the realization that we all deal with something and we still get up and go about our day. Sometimes when we feel weakest, we are really strong so I keep writing. I guess I have a lot to say and I am so thankful to you and the others for reading it. Hugging you tight.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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Oh sweetie, you enlighten us with a very complex situation, give us awareness of a system we can't quite understand, I imagine some maybe never knew alters existed until they have learned from your blog. I hope you write that book and I hope sharing this with us you can feels the love and concern we have for you and this helps to write about it. This book if published may help a young person to think these voices in their heads may be alters and they won't feel alone and seek therapy, give them hope also, bless your heart!
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@sjlew That's the desire of my heart - that I might be able to help someone else with my book. It's my soul reason for wanting to write it. I just want to leave my story with the world in the hopes it helps someone else. You are so sweet with your comment and so right on with your views of things and your good advice. Thank you for being my friend. You mean the world to me.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 Big Hugs sweetie, hope you have a restful night.
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I said that many times, but I will repeat myself - thank you for sharing your posts with us, for letting us to know your life better, what you're going through. There are many good and supportive people here. Hope you have a wonderful day, Nikki! Hugs, Asya
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@asia-12 Thank you, Asya!!! Yes, I see how many are so supportive of Jesse and I. We appreciate it so much!!! It really does mean the world to us.
Hugs, Nikki xx