Mother's Day - My Life as a Multiple #5
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Mother's Day. This is a difficult day for me. My mother was a loving mother but she lived in a world of denial. My mother wanted everything to be beautiful and wonderful so she just believed it was. She denied anything was ever wrong. I loved her and I believe she loved me but she could not face the things my father did. She chose not to believe them. He was not an alcoholic to her even though she pulled him out of bars at 2 am and dragged him home. Even though we never took a vacation without a bottle of Jim Beam on the trip. And even though she had a child who was slipping in and out of alters all the time. My mother told me I was high strung. She did not want to know about or face what might be happening to me at night when she went to sleep. Or when my mother was away from the house as she so often was. So, yes, Mother's Day is a day of mixed emotions for me.
I tried so hard to be a better mother and a more involved mother. My daughter, Missy was obviously sent from above to help me. She is grown and still lives with me and cares for me. Her devotion to me is a gift I cannot even fathom. Missy is my only biological child. I have raised 10 children. I adopted four children out of foster care and raised them all. Jenni, my youngest, still lives with me. She is 19. I still have a young child that I am raising, Ellie. She is 7. She is Jesse's child from another relationship. Ellie will be the 10th child. Missy had two sons who are out of the house now and I helped raise them. So, I have had a lot of experience with being a mother. And that has given me a lot of time to think about my mother and the challenges she must have faced raising me.
I have always felt badly for the way I am. Yes, I can view it as damaged. It's true I had no control over the damage. I can only pick up the pieces and move forward. But the fact that most of my children and grandchildren have nothing to do with me, causes me some emotional pain. I feel like I failed them or I'm just a horrible person. I always try to be pleasant and upbeat. I try so hard to be what everyone needs. It was really hard when I was raising 6 teenagers at home. But everyone was fed and clothed and took wonderful vacations and had everything they could ever want. But today, I am just too crazy for them to even come around.
I still feel so much gratitude for what I have today. Jesse, is a godsend. His love is the most wonderful gift. He is my rock. And I have two wonderful daughters, Missy and Jenni who are here with me and who will undoubtedly take me to lunch on Mother's Day. And we will have the most beautiful and wonderful time. And in the end, isn't this what I should focus on? I have this moment and if the rest of the children don't understand or care, that will be their loss. So, today I will be thinking about Mother's Day with joy in my heart for what I have and for what may be.
Thank you also to you, sweet reader. Your support is, well, it is more than you will ever know. Thank you! Thank you! I hope your day is filled with wonderful things.
Nikki
Comments (14) -
Happy Mother day sweetie, life isn't always perfect and families can cause a lot of heartaches, seems sometimes the ones we are closest to are the ones who hurt us the most. Alway that pang of wanting thing to be different. Who knows why people do what they do. Sometimes we just have to let things go, not easy, but if we can look at the good things and people in our life and concentrate on that takes some of the pain out of what should of been, could of been. Life is short so grab all the good and happy you can. We want to leave this earth with more of the good memories not the bad.You have a lovely day sweetie, you deserve it, look to the future, on step, one day at a time, God Bless you! I consider everyone in our life teaches us something, the negative people or ones who hurt still teach us something, they teach us who we don't want to be. We break the cycle and move ahead to be better.
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I had to chose between my mom and dad when I was young. My mom won. It was natural because the only time we spent with my dad was when he came home during the week a raging alcoholic or dealing with his hangover for two days on the weekend. I have very few good memories of him, but the funny thing is, the ones I do have really stick out.
I became mom's confidant. No child should have to deal with that. I knew things about her that can be described as not so perfect, but I buried them until I was 40. For two years, I was so angry with her. I didn't let it show, and I asked her recently if she knew. She didn't.
Even after I became a Christian, I had a lot of anger about so many things. I have had to go through memories that I would rather forget. They are painful, but after each time, I change for the better and release unknown anger and unforgiveness. I don't think a lot of people realize how much we mask by burying the truth.
It took several years after my dad's death for me to finally release it all, but today I am so thankful for my childhood, parents, family, friends etc...If I hadn't gone through what I went through, I would have never met my husband, had my beautiful children, and have my beautiful grandchildren who are such a blessing in my life.
I have a very simple life. I own a very simple home. I am an average looking old lady who doesn't wear makeup or dress in fancy clothes or own expensive things, and I am so grateful for that. When we are given much, much is expected and should be expected.
Maybe our Father in heaven will use me for more in the future, but if this is the little bit that he has given me in life, I am going to do the absolute best with it. I feel you are like-minded.
God Bless
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@sjlew Thank you so much for your sweet comment!! What I basically learned was not to put expectations on people. Just take them how they are. I don't expect kindness for example, but I am surely glad when I get it. I just don't expect it from those who can't or won't give it. It's okay. I try to just be good to everyone if I can. I can only make me be better. It's helped me to have this mindset. You are very dear and sweet. I'm grateful for your friendship.
Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 Thank you too sweetie, you are a blessing in my life too and a wonderful friend!
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@maisondeforgeron I am like-minded. You are an inspiration to me. You have endured so much and become in my eyes, such a wonderful person. You create beautiful things and you encourage and inspire others. I'm not a grand person either, fairly simple. I'm the actual mother of 5, and many more who I have mothered. I have two grandsons. I'm happy in my life right now. I just focus on today. Thank you for your very sweet comment and for sharing some of your story with me. It means so much!
Happy Mother's Day to you and I hope you have a happy day today!
Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 Happy mom's day to you too!
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My mom and dad split when my twin brother and I were only 18 months old. We rarely saw my dad and my mom remarried to a good man when we were 5. We had a happy childhood, until we hit about 11 and my mom changed she became a very angry person. Her and my stepdad split up. If she wasn't ignoring me and my brother she was on a tyrade with us and we never knew why. I've been a Chrisitian all my life, I started Sunday school when I was 8, but the hardest thing in my life I've had to do is try and forgive both my mom and my dad. The issues with both of them got worse as I got older. When I got to an age to defend myself my mom and I would and still get into arguments. I tried to make a relationship with my dad after my son was born, but the first time he made a promise to my son, I knew he would break I backed off. I've had to deal with very bad health problems since I was 23, I had my son when I was 22 and was unable to have any more because of my health. He is my blessing, him and my 2nd husband. I have members of my family I don't speak to any more and at one time I was the only one in the family that everyone would speak to, but they want to as you say "cause emotional pain" so I am quite happy with my husband and son and I have a niece that spends time with me. Happy Mother's Day to you!
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@rboowybe You sound like you have made a very happy life for yourself and your family. It's all we can do. We have to try to make our lives as happy as possible now that we have the control. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It is so uplifting to me to see how others have overcome their hardships. I hope your Mother's Day is a good one and that you have a happy day today!!!
Nikki xx
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Couldn't have said it any better mom, we all love you so much.
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@missy-goldsberry Thank you!!!
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I'm sorry to hear that some of your children don't care... but that's good that you have such people in your life as Missy and Jenny, and Jesse. Thank you for sharing your post!
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Hi I’ve been reading your blog & I was surprised to find you weren’t a carefree young surfer girl, anyway that’s ok, I’ve had a bit of experience with mental illness too, seems like we all have something in common here. Coincidentally I was watching a program yesterday on 60 mins Australia about a 50 year old woman with multiple personality disorder also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, which appeared to have been a way to deal with her unspeakable childhood trauma. It ended with her taking her father to trial, & I wondered if after that she was finally going to be able to drop some of her personalities, as she said she was now ready to make new memories. Here’s the link if you want to check it out or not, whatever as sometimes it’s annoying when people talk to you about something you know about
hope this link works as some of the links on urstyle don’t work https://www.9news.com.au/national/60-minutes-jeni-haynes-multiple-personality-disorder-dissociative-identity-disorder-child-sex-abuse-crime-courts-police/5149f8e8-c791-4e54-99a0-19ba450848b3 -
@janesstylediary Well, I was a surfer girl when I was young enough to do that--back in my teens. In fact, it is still a sport I enjoy watching and the beach is my favorite place to be. As for taking my father to trial, he is deceased now. But I wasn't interested in that anyway. As for integrating, we are about as integrated as we are going to get. Since my personalities are so in love with Jesse, who would I send away? It's easier to make peace with them and just do what we have always done. I'm so grateful for your comment though. And I will go to the link you sent and take a look. It's always interesting to learn more about the illness and ways to deal with it. Thank you again.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@asia-12 You are so right!!! I thank God every day for them and for sweet people like you who are trying to understand and show your support!
Hugs, Nikki xx