Looking for the Light - My Life as a Multiple #40
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I haven't been feeling too well lately. Angel has been running the pages and trying her best to comment and to keep up with everyone's sets. I'm so sorry. Sometimes it is hard to keep the crushing depression of my state at bay. I know many of you watch my page and worry and I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I want you to know I am looking for the light and I find it in so many of your beautiful sets. I am looking for the light inside myself. It seems to have disappeared.
My alters have been creating more and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe they needed this outlet and perhaps it will help me. Their sets are interesting and can be found on @Houseofstone. Angel's sets can be found on @saphirange. Angel's page is popular and she tries very hard to keep up with all of you and with all of your sets. Your centaur sets in her recent contest have delighted her. So I thank you all for that and for caring about all of us, even the least.
One of my dearest friends and a huge part of my support circle is moving far away across the United States to Missouri which is very far from California where I am. She is the last of my friends to move and her financial situation has made this move important for her. So all my abandonment issues are in full swing. I feel so left and so alone. Missy and Jesse try very hard to understand but they can't. So, I thought perhaps putting it out here in the blog would help. It's all I can think of to do. That and let my alters create. My friend has assured me she will always be near in text and by phone but as you know, it's not the same as knowing you could just drive to their house and be in their presence. I hope I am not boring you all with my issues right now.
I have been trying to find new activities and creative outlets for me and it's hard as I am getting older and I can't do all the things I used to be able to do. But I can write and I can draw sometimes when my eyes work well. I do some cooking and things that make me feel useful to my family. I am looking for the light and you are my light. All of you are the light of my days and you remind me I have a much larger support circle than I even know.
Thank you for reading, sweet reader, I feel so many voices inside me right now and it is hard for me to keep writing but I have said enough I think. Please know I think about each of you every day and I pray for you all.
Hugs and love, Nikki xoxo
Comments (9) -
Beautiful image and heartfelt blog, Darling. I do understand how you feel, being as disabled as I am. Plus, of course, having no friends near or far. I wouldn't call what I experience depression, though, because I still have you and our little family. I love you, now and always.
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Oh sweet Nikki, as you know I suffered clinical depression, so at least that black hole you are going through, I know that part well and understand, just not dealing with alters. Not sure if they help or play on each other. So sorry your dear friend is moving, a dear friend is like family, the family we choose, sweetie, do to my health after the crash when the man hit me I suffered brain trauma and had to learn things all over again, I had brain scans, both physical therapy and balance therapy, forced retirement, then all the other health trouble came a long, my hubby works and my daughter was entering college at that time, I was lonely, so my daughter and hubby got me a computer, my daughter taught me and I found poly by accident, like I said I know God brought you and Jesse together, and I know God brought my friend to me. I saw the most darling sets from a member and we exchanged comments, she had just lost her dad to cancer and I had lost my parents many years ago so I was giving her encouragement that the pain of loss will ease, not that we ever get used to it, but we learn to live with it. Here is my suggestion, my friend lives in Mexico City, Mexico, I will never ever meet her, but we are like sisters, anyway my suggestion, what we did last summer on poly is we went to London, yes London, we made sets of the places we went, it was fun, we learned, history, ''saw museums, fancy hotels, we stayed in the best of course, we toured Piccadilly, the palaces, has tea with the Queen, we took a ride down the Thames, we spent that whole summer in England, mostly London, you can google and on youtube many have travel videos, it was so much fun, and by the end of summer it was just like we had actually gone to London, we imported pictures to use in making sets and be made our fancy outfits. I was wondering if maybe you could armchair travel with your friend like that sweetie, we had so much fun, in fact it was the perfect trip, no passport needed, no lost luggage, the weather was always good, the food yummy, didn't spend a dime except the internet LOL perhaps you could take a trip with your friend like we did, it is worth a try and maybe help some of the depression and loneliness, even maybe you and Jesse could take the same trip together, I think you can make sets you can keep private here, not sure, or sent them in private e-mail, anyway just a suggestion. You and Jesse are sure dear friends and yours are the only blogs I read. Please. please keep the faith there will be sunny days among the clouds, those days as rare as they are give us hope there will be more, hugs and love, sorry this turned into a book, but wanted to share this with you, my God hold you and comfort you.
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I am alone abroad and depressed, lonely and sometimes struggling to avoid ending it all...my loved ones and dog are so far away, i dont have any future and light and the end of the tunnel. I know loneliness, and see others depart, in this case i am the one who departed for serious finnancial reasons. i understand and feel you in this. Dont give up from the light .
I hope you find the light. -
@wintermoon Dear one, I hope you find the light too! I know your situation is a dark and depressing one right now but you never know when things can turn around for the good. I am hoping and praying for an opportunity to present itself that changes everything and leads you to the light. In the meantime, just know you are not alone. I am your friend and I care about all you are going through. I hope that helps you in some way. I am so appreciative of your comment. It means the world to us.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@sjlew I don't know how you do it, Sweetie, but you always manage to make me feel better. You are so right. There are things my friend and I can do to feel like we are together. It doesn't have to seem like the end of all things. Your comment helped me so much!!! I plan on telling my friend that I hope she will include me in the redecorating and setting up of her new house and that I want to be part of her decisions. We can certainly call and text and send pictures. That is one way I can feel part of her new life too. I am sure this depression will lift, it just takes time. Jesse is trying very hard to be sweet to me. I am grateful every day for him. That is certainly something that should help me through this depression. You are so dear to remind me of ways to help end this ugly, dark thing. I'm so grateful for your friendship and for your very sweet comment!!! Your comments are never too long for me!!!! Hugs and love, Nikki xoxo
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@darkprince Thank you for your comment, baby!!! Your love is all that gets me through the days, baby!!! I know, with your help, I will get through this depression. All my love, Nikki xoxo
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@surfergirl3915 Yes sweetie, it will lift, just got to take one hour at a time. When I was under the care of a neuropsychiatrist and psychologist, they helped me so much, any way at the beginning I saw the neuropsychiatrist for one on one and he did the med, then I saw the psychologist and toward the end I did group therapy, anyway the psychiatrist also had me get this book to read between visits check it out and see what you think sweetie, I only had me to do battle with, you have a whole host that make up you, but it is worth a try, any thing to help is worth checking out, bless your heart, here is the book.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=asc_df_0380810336/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5851976396127015354&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9029746&hvtargid=pla-464531160604&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61851652213&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5851976396127015354&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9029746&hvtargid=pla-464531160604 -
@sjlew I bought the book on my Apple tablet and I have started reading it. I really want this depression to lift and I'm so grateful to you for helping me find something that may actually help!!! You are such a dear friend @sjlew and I can't thank you enough! Thank you! Thank you! for commenting and offering me the first real hope I have had in a very long time. Not all the alters are on board but if the main ones can get relief, we can deal with the depression of the others who don't come out very much anymore. I'm very grateful and we will read the book and try to put the principles into action. Hugs to you, sweet friend!!!
Love, Nikki xoxo
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@surfergirl3915 I hope the book helps some, I remember that black hole, just don't give in, but don't fight it too hard, your body is tired, even if you can go sit outdoors in nature, even if you are too tired for walks, try to sit outdoors for awhile. Sweetie have you had your doctor check your thyroid? Also have them check your B and D vitamin levels, sometimes if any of these levels are off it can contribute to depressive moods. My psychiatrist said my depression was do a chemical balance, I also had very bad panic attacks, I was anhedonic, oddly the anhedonia part hit just before I got better.The depression was dark, no human words to really describe it, something one has to go through to understand it, the anhedonia, left me numb to all emotion, I had logic, but not the emotion behind it. My friend asked me to describe what anhedonia was like, I told her, a man could walk up, hold a gun to my head and say he would shoot me, I told her, I would of looked at him and said ''so'', no fear would of registered, and I have a terrible fear of guns all my life, I knew logically that being shot could kill me or cause terrible pain, but there was no emotion behind that. Same with my family, I knew I loved them, but could not feel that love, as I said that emotionless state hit just before I got better, I did not wake up one morning and it was gone, the depression lifted little by little. My son was 10 years old at the time, I'm glad I stuck around, when my son turned 15, I got a surprise, I became pregnant and we had a daughter.It was like raising two only's, but I felt very blessed. My life had purpose and yours does too.There is still beauty in life and your sun will come out, don't know when, but it will come.Luv you Nikki.