Splitting - My Life as a Multiple #35
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There is this sense of floating away and then it begins...splitting. Of course, when splitting happens, I am in the midst of some kind of severe trauma, something that is clearly so horrible my mind can't even conceive it. And suddenly it begins. I have no control over it. I cannot stop it. I'm not certain but I think the body seems to pass out or go to sleep. I think it is a quick thing but I am not sure about that.
I begin to dissociate and float as colors come in and out. It is very floaty with no feelings of control. In fact, there is a sense of loss of control and like I don't know what is going on but I can feel angelic presences around me. I never know how long I have been gone but when I awaken there is a new presence near me. I ask who it is and the person tells me.
I once asked one of my therapists why this happened to me and not to everyone. He said he didn't know the answer to that question but one thing he did know was his patients who fragmented were all highly sensitive and highly intelligent people. He didn't know if that was any kind of an answer for me and it wasn't. I have known highly sensitive people who are very intelligent who do not split into different personalities when they experience traumatic events. I now realize there are structures in my brain that are different than other people and maybe it is all these things that work together to cause the perfect storm. And maybe we will never know why this happens to some people. I do know it is not one traumatic thing but it is repeated and prolonged trauma that causes splitting.
I would never have chosen this for my life, but I have come to accept it as how I am. I have made friends with my alters and I don't know how to live any other way. I'm not sure how to endure things without my alters to help me. I have no idea how to comfort myself without my alters who do that. Like Mira with her beautiful music or Stefan with his deep Native American theology who always leads me to my center and my place of peace.
I have not had new alters emerge for a very long time. But I do not think it is impossible for new alters to come out. I keep myself from as much trauma as I can these days but if something unforeseen happened and it caused me trauma that my current alters couldn't withstand, then I do think it would be possible to break even further and for new stronger alters to emerge to help me get through the situation and deal with the damage afterwards.
I thank you for continuing to read, and to care, sweet reader. I am always grateful for your comments and your questions and of course your hearts on my blog. You keep me going on the dark days and you have become a group of friends I never dreamed I would ever have. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your hearts surround me...
Hugs and love, Nikki xx
Comments (7) -
You write so well, Darling, what more could I say? Except this: you'll experience no more trauma, not if I can help it. I love you xoxo
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Oh sweetie, I wish your therapist had an answer for you, the splitting on my take is your mind shutting down and an alter comes in to help handle the stressful situation. a safety valve so to speak. You say you feel something angelic, perhaps it is a spirit guide and a guardian angel watching over you, some protection. The mind is a very strange thing and I think it does what it can for survival and to protect you. I am sorry for the trauma, no child deserves that, but happy you have those alters. they are like a family of protection, I think they are each a part of who you are. God bless you sweet lady, with hugs.
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@darkprince Thank you, darling for your comment and for being there every single day. I love you!
Love, Nikki xoxo
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@sjlew Thank you so much for your sweet comment and I always think about what you said and I have always felt like splitting was a gift from God and the angels to save my life. I believe my guardian angel watches over me. I know it was God that sent me Jesse. And my beautiful friends here on Urstyle. Thank you again sweet friend!
Hugs and love, Nikki xoxo
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Sweetie, there is I believe so much about the brain they will probably never know about. We don't even use but half of it, perhaps you use more than that, you've awaken more of your brain than other people with the trauma you went thru at an early age and then again later. I believe God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so he gave you alters to help you through your bad times. Hugs, Rhana
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@rboowybe I wondered about that too, Rhana, about me using more of my brain. Maybe, who knows? But I do feel that this was God’s way of saving me. I’m forever grateful to him. Thank you so much for your sweet and thoughtful comment!
Hugs and love, Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 Yes sweetie, God is there, I always felt that the strongest souls take on the hardest life lessons. I think we pay our dues here on earth and know when we return 'home', the hurt and pain will be gone. Evil cannot dwell with God. Bless you and your Jesse and Missy, you all love one another and that is the most important thing we learn here.