Switching - My Life as a Multiple #31
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We have been switching a lot today. I thought that made it a good topic for a blog post. When one or more of my alters get upset, it makes us what Jesse and I call "switchy." It means we are bouncing back and forth a lot between alters. Problematic alters like Chase come out more and say inappropriate things to other members of the household. These are difficult days.
Literally anything can set my system off. It might be a major or a minor thing but once they get started, it is constant switching in and out with different alters. It feels unsure and kind of crazy in my mind. My other family members don't know who they are talking to. So, they have to ask. When we are trying to do some business or other matters, my daughter has to be sure she is talking to an adult so it can be a problem inside my family too.
I feel fragile on these days and I can't comment on people's sets because I don't know who will be speaking and I worry if they will say the right thing and something nice. So, I just stay off the site until I know I am under control again. If I go on Urstyle on these days, my alters try to go on their own pages and there is lots of logging in and logging out as different alters have something to say. It's easier just to stay off the site entirely. So, if it looks like I'm not on the site, it is probably because we are switchy.
Switching is a huge part of being a multiple. Usually, I have an order to how alters come in and out. Everyone has their job and those who don't really have a function right now in my life, just stay in the back. But on days like today, everyone is coming forward at some point. They don't all speak but I will have felt everyone coming very close to the front. The alter who got upset will be out a lot. Sometimes Jesse can talk to them and reassure them and get them to go back inside so I can take control of the body again. He is very nurturing and very understanding. But today Jesse was sick so I was kind of on my own but I think I have things back under control.
Thank you so much for reading, sweet reader. I am so grateful that you are trying to understand the illness and that you are so kind to me. It means the world to me and I'm not used to people being so nice and so supportive to me. So again and again I say, thank you!!! You are very special in my life.
Hugs, Nikki xx
Comments (8) -
Oh sweetie, this has to be so hard, it is hard controlling just one me, so I have no idea how you do it. You must have nerves of steel and a lot of courage. Out in public and switching, people would have no idea what is going on, but you and Jesse are educating us. Most people will never encounter this in their whole life and maybe would have no idea that people suffer this illness. Some people would be patient and kind, others would be down right mean even if they did know. Hope all the alters are calming down so you can get some sleep. A question sweetie, what kind of medications do they use to help control this and do some alters have side effects, but others don't, bless your sweet heart.
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Darling, I'm sorry I was so sick I was very little help to you. Usually I don't get switchy unless I'm dealing with high anxiety. With you I can usually tell who's out even if they don't speak. This is a great blog entry, keep writing! Love you xoxo
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@sjlew Over the years I have taken many medications. Thorazine, Klonopin, Effexxor, Prozac in combination but today I take Abilify and Gabupentin. They mostly give you mood stabilizers and anti-depressants to try to keep the anxiety at bay. As Jesse noted in his comment, it is like having very high anxiety so they have to find the right combination to keep the anxiety controlled. I also used to take Ativan for anxiety but that is not viewed as an effective drug anymore. I mostly have to take naps and do dreamwork to try to calm myself and my alters down. Like most conditions, doctors are looking for a combination of drugs to help the symptoms of the disease. Thank you for your very sweet comment and for caring about us. It really helps and it means so much to us all. Hugs and love,
Nikki xoxo
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@darkprince Thank you, darling for your wonderful clarification that it causes anxiety and that is why we get so switchy. As you know with me, my emotional state is very important too. If I get too upset or too sad, it can cause alters to switch in and out. You are not as emotional as me by a long shot. I'm so thankful for your calmness and your steadiness. I love you.
Love, Nikki xoxo
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@surfergirl3915 Oh sweetie, I have had trazadone, elavil, one I can't even remember the name,ativan, valium. Some I could not tolerate, my psychiatrist gave me these. Then the panic attacks came on, he put me on xanax, for me it was a miracle drug, he warned me it was very addicting, but at that point was willing to try just about anything. I weened off slowly. I don't have alters, but I can relate to the anxiety part. After my brain injury I was a total basket case for months, I had so much anger and frustration and there is just one of me. My heart aches for you, but love how positive you are and look for the beauty in life. With blessings and hugs. Have a good Sunday!
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@sjlew I took Trazadone at one time and Xanax too! I understand. I’ve been on many drugs to get where I am today. I’m so sorry about your trouble though! I hope you are better now! Hugs and love!
Nikki xoxo
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I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That sounds like a very difficult part to deal with, for you and your family. I hope it doesn't happen too often. I feel like I'm losing my mind when I'm having an anxiety or panic attack, the one voice in my head drives me nuts. I can't imagine having so many different people telling you what to do or complaining about something. Hugs, Rhana xoxo
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@rboowybe It was a hard day. I'm not gonna lie but we are past it now and I feel much better. It is hard having so many voices in your head and with switching comes behaviors as well. If a young one is out, they might be crying or whining so in that way it is hard on my family too. But I just took my medication and rested and it all gets better. Thank you so much for your kind and sweet comment. It means so much!!! Hugs and love,
Nikki xoxo