Chase - My Life as a Multiple #14
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My most troublesome alter is Chase. Thank you to Jesse, @darkprince for making the image of Chase. He knows Chase better than anyone. Chase loves to just jump out and say the meanest things he can think of to say. I have no memory of saying these things and Jesse and I have gotten into arguments when he tells me I said something that I have absolutely no memory of saying. He always looks at me and says, "Was it Chase?" I nod, sadly. Chase is a fighter and an instigator. I believe Chase is the alter who was out in 2nd grade since I have no memory of that time and it was right after his creation. He is the other half of Angel.
Chase is with Jesse's alter Jos. Jos is a troublesome alter for Jesse since he has no filter at all for what he says and does. You can imagine Jos and Chase together. It has made for some big fights in the beginning of our relationship. When Jos and Chase are happy, all is well. When one or both of them are not happy, it is miserable. However, if I really want to know what Jesse thinks about something, I ask Jos. When he wants to know the brutal truth from me, he asks Chase. Chase doesn't sugarcoat anything.
Chase is basically an angry little boy who comes out when there is a fight or disagreement. He can fight the battle. My problem comes when there is no battle and Chase just jumps out to state his opinion. Over the years, he has cost me jobs and friendships as he has said just what he thinks and it may not be what I think. I have tried to do damage control by apologizing for what I just said but it has only made me look like a liar as people tend to believe the mean thing I said is how I really feel.
This is the hard part of having alters--trying to apologize for what they just said. It's one of the reasons I have a telephone phobia and prefer to text. I can catch the text before it is sent but once something comes out of my mouth, I can't take it back. A lot of people don't understand why I can't just talk on the phone because it is easier than texting but it is harder for me. My daughter does a lot of phone calling for me because it is hard to deal with paying bills and telephone menus with Chase. He gets angry easy and only says things that will anger people or cause a menu to reset over and over. I'm lucky my daughter, Missy is willing to do this for me.
My life is complicated and as I write this blog, it helps me understand why some days are just so hard. There is a lot to manage and I am so lucky to have a supportive daughter who is committed to helping me and Jesse. Missy has learned to work with Jesse's alters too. Jos adores Missy because she buys him candy which he dearly loves. Chase is problematic for her but he obeys her and goes back inside when directed but he might pout about it.
If you have questions as you read my blog, sweet reader, you can ask them. I can only imagine what people must think as they read. It's hard to believe anyone can live with a myriad of voices in their head constantly stating their differing opinions. People ask me what I think about this or that and I always say, "It depends on who you ask!" Just don't ask Chase unless you are ready for it.
Thank you for reading and for your "hearts" and comments on my blog!
Hugs, Nikki xx
Comments (12) -
Well written, Darling. I can always tell Chase is out because he has a southern accent you don't usually have. He and Jos haven't gotten in a fight in a long time...such a good thing, too. Love you xoxo
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I can only imagine how hard it is to live like that - when people don't understand that you don't pretend... your diary blog is like a book. Thank you for posting this post.
P.S. I haven't finished reading all your posts, since I have to create sets for other people's contest. But I will continue reading them tomorrow (hopefully). You wrote that sometimes your voices can fight, sometimes some of them are quiet, does it hard to understand who is talking at the moment in your head? But you probably are used to it. Sorry for this question, and for my English.
Have a beautiful day! Hugs
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So tough to deal with, then people no believing you.That is a double whammy. In therapy, has your therapist ever try to have you let go of the troublesome alters, is that even possible to completely dismiss one, or do they integrate? Your daughter is an angel, must be very confusing for a young child when different alters take over. I imagine Chase in someways is telling people off to protect you somehow, he may be very naughty, but I bet no one uses him as a door mat. If nothing else the little guy has moxie. Sending hugs to you sweetie. Happy you have Missy and Jesse, they are your support system!
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@asia-12 Thank you for commenting and for reading my blog. Your English was just fine. You asked if I always know who is talking? That is a good question. I usually ask them, if I'm not sure. There are some like Ame who speak in French and so she is easy to recognize plus she has an unusual accent if she is speaking in English. Then Chase has a southern accent so he is easy to recognize but some are harder. Especially the ones who are closer in age. If I ask who is speaking, they will identify themselves even if they get a little angry because I didn't know. Many alters are quiet and don't speak at all. I will sometimes get a feeling that someone is unhappy and I depend on their art or their writings to know what is wrong. Usually someone who does talk will speak up for the ones who don't talk so this helps.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to broach this subject or not, but my alter, Mel, has her own system which is different from my system. In Mel's system, there is a counselor, Dante, and he acts as the counselor or therapist for my system as well. We all go to Dante and he can explain what is happening inside too. He works with our actual therapist, our doctor, to help to understand both the systems. I may be confusing you here. I hope not. It all works pretty smoothly now in our life but there was a time when it was very chaotic.
Thank you for your question! Hugs, Nikki xx
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@sjlew You are so right and I thank God every day for Jesse and Missy. I didn't always have them and in the old days, it was so hard. But today, things are more normal and some days we feel pretty integrated just with a lot of talking in our head. Our doctor-therapist prescribes medication to help still the voices and make it easier. Chase is not interested in integration. In fact, the very subject makes him angry so we kind of steer clear of that one. He feels we want him to go away. He is a young boy so it's hard for him to understand. Jesse and Missy are pretty good at handling him and this is just how we deal with Chase. It would be so nice if the troublesome alters would just integrate but those are the ones most opposed to it. Wouldn't you know? Thank you for your suggestion and for your question. I am also grateful for your comment!!! Have a beautiful day!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 thank you for replying! I can't even imagine how it is, I just saw it in the movie, but you know that it's an actor etc. And here it's real life.
I'm glad that your daughter and your fiance is always near you to support.
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Nikki, I’ve been following your blog with great fascination. I don’t always leave a comment, but do know that I read your posts and you have my support.
Most of the time, when people share intimate details of their personal lives and struggles, other people have something to use as a frame of reference to put it in perspective and therefore, are able to relate on some level. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a very different matter. In some ways, it’s like reading science fiction, but of course, it is not fiction. It seems to be something only the person with Dissociative Identity Disorder can effectively understand.
I doubt that therapists of any kind, or physicians such as neurologists, really understand this condition in a relatable way. Yes, they have an understanding of symptoms, how it presents, and what the brain in an affected person looks like and how that brain functions, but having not had the experience themselves, they couldn’t possibly grasp the depth and intensity of what is reality for you. It’s akin to anything we have not experienced ourselves.
As a bad "for instance", people with children tell those without that the childless cannot possibly know the very different and powerful kind of love a parent feels for a child. I believe this is true, as so many new parents believed they understood that love UNTIL they experienced their first child, and then they realized that they had been clueless until that moment. Until then, all they had was a description. (This goes for adoptive parents, too.)
That said, I must commend you on your writing and your ability to communicate your experiences, in a writing style that is, to me, like storytelling. To better understand any condition we are unfamiliar with, it’s helpful when someone who has that condition describes their life to us. Rather than reading a generic explanation on some medical website or book, we're able to ask questions, clarify any misunderstandings, connect with you, and to learn.
What you’re doing is creating an awareness that is very much needed, because with that awareness, though we cannot understand the condition to the extent that we can relate -- (or rather, I cannot… I can’t speak for others
),-- we can certainly become educated and at the same time, develop a level of compassion that would not have existed had you not shared with us. Sure, the compassion would have been there had you simply said you have the disorder, but in getting to learn about it, about you, about your alters, and about your life and experiences, the compassion becomes deeper and more personal, and therefore, so does the support. 
So keep writing, Sweet Lady, for as long as you are comfortable doing so! Also, the blog is looking good with all the entries having images. It makes it very easy to follow!
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@surfergirl3915 Thank you sweetie, you have a good evening/ night too!
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@funkyjunkygypsy Thank you for your very sweet comment!!! I'm just glad if I'm making any kind of sense on here. I write my story because I've never seen it written out by anyone who actually had the illness. People have written books about people who suffered from DID but I felt hearing it from the actual person was missing. I needed to see it on the written page from someone who knows firsthand. So, I'm writing it. Not for attention, or sympathy but because it might build awareness and tolerance and it certainly helps me to get the jumbled mess out on paper. In this way, I am coming to understand myself. Your questions cause me to think and to work through things and all this has been so beneficial to me, personally. What you said is so true--people try to understand (and I am so grateful for that!) but you have to actually be walking the road to understand it. So, thank you for reading and for commenting every so often and just for being there. It helps more than you know!
Hugs, Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 You are very welcome, and I hope that my previous reply tells you that you are accomplishing exactly what you want to in your writing! Way to go, Girlie!
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Nikki, I finally got caught up on the entries you've written, and I find myself admiring both your writing style and your willingness to put yourself out there for yourself and for us. Mostly, though, I admire your courage. It takes courage to take a leap of faith and give a piece of yourself (no pun intended) to "strangers", not knowing what they will think or say in reaction to such an intimacy. But as you've seen, you not only have overwhelming support, many here have problems - depression, anxiety, PTSD, alcoholism, bipolar disorder...relatable issues that are not the same as your issues, but yet are their own struggle and thus are relatable in that struggle. Many of us have issues with our families over this as well, as I've read the comments on each post you've done. It hurts my heart to see, because, I, too, have lost my family over my illness. You've given us a rallying point. Do you understand how awesome that is?
So, I'll remind you, one troll does not take away from the support of all of those who come here to cheer you on and to relate to you and to come away having shared in the support that they've both given AND received...for in giving, we are also receiving. And in reminding you, I'm also reminding myself, as I had issues with the careless words of one person, and in doing so, briefly lost my own way. This community is not spoiled by the efforts of one person tainting it ever so briefly, regardless of how hard it makes it for us when we stress over it for a little while. As we've both seen, there are such good people here. You're one of them, and I'm so very glad to have met you here.
With great affection,
Jo -
@gypsy-jo Oh Jo, your words encouraged my heart! You are right about getting a perspective. Not to let one person steal my peace and my joy. I’m also so happy you’re staying! I was so sad to think you were going to leave this site. I’m so glad we’ve become friends. Thank you for all your kind words. They mean so much to me! Have a wonderful weekend!
Hugs, Nikki xx