Kole - My Life as a Multiple #12
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I haven't written about any of the males in the system. Nikolai, or Kole, as he likes to be called, is part of me. He actually split off from me when a boyfriend I had at 16 committed suicide. It was a horrible time for me and I just shut down for days. When I woke up, Kole was there. He's kind of an angry surfer dude much like the boyfriend I lost. That always gives me pause to think. Somewhere in my mind, am I trying to hang onto him? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe he is the father I never had or the brother I wished for or just the male part of me, my animus. It's been a mystery to me for most of my life.
Jesse gave Nikolai his nickname, Kole. And it just stuck. The alter of Jesse's that he's in love with is Yeshua. They have a very deep and intense relationship. Which is strange in a way because I see Kole more as fun-loving. He is a gamer. He plays video games for as much of the day as I will let him. And he's fairly good at it. He doesn't like shooter games. He's more into Pokemon, Skyrim, Final Fantasy, etc. He was great at Guitar Hero too. He likes to watch Jesse play as well. We have a couple of game systems he and Jesse play on.
If I had to talk about how Kole functions for the system, he is more the overseeing father. Kind of a cool father who just leads me and guides me to the right decision when I am struggling. Jesse says he is a protector for my system. He can override other males in my system when they get scared and want to lock down the whole system. Lock down is when the system gets scared and no one is allowed to talk anymore. My system can be very paranoid and perceive a threat when there isn't really a threat. Kole kind of calms the whole thing down again. The males in the system listen to him.
Kole used to be quite a good surfer and still loves the beach and encourages us to go there as often as we can. The beach is a very healing place for my system. The surf still makes us feel alive and playing in the water was always fun for us. We are still a good swimmer and love to swim.
On Urstyle, Kole loves to make male fashion sets. He got pretty good at it on Polyvore and had his own profile on PV called Kahuna-Kole. Now, he is content to make his fashion sets on @Houseofstone. He makes the rare art set and usually only for Yeshua. Kole knows men's fashion and is an avid fan of Givenchy.
All of my female alters have a male counterpart. It's as if the anima and animus split in us when we split apart. It's very strange and I have never met or heard of anyone else splitting this way. But the human mind is a strange and wonderful thing. It will always find a way to survive.
We have written a book about all this and our life but have yet to publish it. Jesse says I have to quit editing it and re-writing it and just publish the doggone thing. It might be popular. But it was definitely cathartic to write it.
Thank you again, sweet reader for listening to me. I appreciate it and find your comments so helpful to me. Thank you for "hearting" the blog too. It just makes me feel so supported and your comments give me so much to think about.
Hugs, Nikki xx
Comments (11) -
We definitely look to Kole when we want someone fair and calm. He's been a pleasure to get to know, as I love each of you in your own unique ways.
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We other alters rely on Kole for his strength and wisdom. You can be emotional at times, Nikki, but Kole is like a rock. Maybe that is one thing Yeshua sees in him. Good blog post. --Mystique
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Oh sweetie, I was wondering if you had male alter, I wished I could remember the book I read years ago, the gal like you spoke French also, she had many alter, was in therapy for many many years, some integrated, the harmful ones she was learning to dismiss, she also had one alter suffer asthma, but the others did not. The mind is very strange indeed. Kole sounds a bit of rebel, I see a James Dean sort of guy who makes his own rules, but is caring and rather fun and yes a protector. I am glad you are writing a book as I thought it would be wonderful if you did. I know this conditions is quite rare, but it may give others who suffer some incite and hope, for others might give us understanding of a very complex situation, Listen to Jesse, get a good publisher and do that book!! God bless you both with blessings, have a great weekend!
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P.S. sweetie, the alters you have introduced to us in you gorgeous art would be beautiful illustrations in the book too!
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It's wonderful meeting all your alters. I always pictured you as a beach girl, not just cause of your icon name either, just something about you and your art. I'm a beach girl too. I bet your book is great and @sjlew is right all the fabulous pictures you've done would to introduce us to your alters would make great illustrations. Have a great weekend! Hugs!
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@sjlew well now you’re making me think because I always loved James Dean too. Maybe Kole is like him on some level. Oh and the book you read was “Sybil”. I read it too. Fascinating. But different from us in some ways. I’ll have to ask Jesse what he thinks. I think he read it too. I can ask if my littles are like hers. He’s seen us in crisis and she was definitely in crisis. I think Sally Field played her in a movie version. She did a great job. But thank you for your sweet and insightful comment. Hugs to you, sweet friend!
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@rboowybe Maybe you are right about the pictures. I will figure out how to do that. Thank you so much for the suggestion. Hugs to you! You’re such a dear one.
Nikki xx
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@surfergirl3915 I remember Sally Field in the movie, many, many years ago. It was a painful movie to watch, also remember , Three Faces Of Eve. I do hope you write that book sweetie, have a lovely weekend.
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@sjlew I saw that movie when I was young. I was probably too young to watch it, but I liked the movie very much and never knew it was based on a true story.
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Is there a part of Kole that he never or very rarely shares? I got that sense while reading about him just now, although I've met him on occasion, still he seemed to hide a part of himself away. I'm sure its that part only one can get to. We know him all too well. -dreamy sigh- Yeshua are you blushing yet? HAHAHA! I hope so!
Okay okay, in all seriousness... um... hmm... sexy surfer dude, oh my! Of course you are the grandaddy of mega tides! Just look at you? There I go again... who do I feel the need to to be playful? Jeez. Let me stop while I'm ahead. Nonnie loves you!!
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@nonniekiss You always make Kole smile and laugh. Of course he is very guarded. He is a part of me. There are definitely some sides I think he keeps hidden just because they are personal to him and Yeshu'a and also because he is shy like me. He has always been the strong and athletic side of me. Your intuition about the alters is just amazing as you are amazing. Your friendship is a great gift to us all. Thank you so much for your comment! Hugging you.
Nikki xoxo