Dissociation - My Life as a Multiple #7
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Screen Shot 2019-05-09 at 9.33.40 AMDissociation. What does it feel like when you dissociate? It used to scare me. It was such a loss of control. I had no control over anything I said or did. I lost time and woke up day, months, or years later. I don't remember 2nd grade at all. I woke up in a third grade classroom with the teacher yelling at me to write in cursive. I didn't know how to write in cursive. So I taught myself. I believe it was Chase who was out in 2nd grade and he is just a troublesome little boy with a big mouth. He still often gets me into trouble when he speaks his mind. I still have no memory of it when he does it.
Yesterday was a luncheon with my family. Mel always does the meetings with my family. She has been the front person for most of my life. I couldn't do it. But since I fell in love with Jesse, I have been stronger. He encourages me to be out front. I have started growing and aging as I have been out front. But I am still not strong enough to face the family. They don't believe me. I am almost dead to most of them. I have one living sister and she visits with me once a year when she comes to visit her daughter who lives very near me. We speak of kind and lovely things. She talks of her daughters and her grandchildren. I am quiet and I listen. Her daughters will not speak to me. In my family, one is not allowed to have mental illness. I am some kind of disappointment to the family. I have always tried to be perfect and everything they could ever want me to be but it was never enough. So, I have made my own family. I surround myself with those who are supportive and understanding and I have found a level of happiness I never knew existed.
I'm still trying to understand this illness of mine. How it moves and mutates. How sometimes I am so integrated and feel what I think normal feels like and other times I am so switchy and feel just on the edge of complete and utter craziness. But today is a good day. I am with my love, making wonderful and beautiful sets on Urstyle and coloring my world with beauty. I think about this and I wonder if this isn't what we all try to do. We color our world with beauty and kindness and in the end isn't this the best way to live?
Nikki xx
Comments (17) -
Sometimes the best I can do is to keep myself away from negativity. I drive as little as possible because I find that I get too angry when I am around so many unaware or angry drivers. When I do drive, I take the back roads.
I don't watch any American television. That is soooo depressing. I watch some British shows on Netflix. I do not watch or read American news. I get most of my news from Reuters. They rarely use colorful adjectives that are meant to incite worry, anger etc...
When social media goes crazy (usually around elections,) I stay off.
I keep very firm boundaries with people in my life and stay away from them from time to time when things become overwhelming.
If I didn't do these things, I would never see any kind of beauty. I don't think I am the only one who does these things either. It's just a little self-care and TLC for me.
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@maisondeforgeron You are very wise. I have only recently begun to do these things and it really does help. Now I realize that I have control of what I allow into myself, be it TV news, or social media news, and the kinds of people and things I surround myself with. I am so grateful for your comment which reminds me that we are not alone. By "we" I mean those of us who eschew negativity. Our world can be beautiful if we make it that way. You are a bright light in my world.
Nikki xx
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Sorry about your family sweetie, they are scared of 'it' rubbing off, or scared it will happen to them. Or deny it's existence. Knowing you and loving you and accepting you will be their loss when they shut you out. One thing ignorant people don't realize they will grow old, their body, mind etc, will brake down in time, then they will find out how hard it is to live when life isn't perfect any longer. Yes sweetie, find that happy place, you have wonderful talent, very gifted. Shutting you out they will miss out, how lucky we are the ones you share that talent with us, bless your heart.
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Like @MaisondeForgeron, I find ‘Extreme Self Care’ necessary to living a peaceful and healthy life. Avoiding negativity, like those who doubt your diagnosis or think they have some treatment or approach you need to try, is much less draining than dealing with that kind of insulting ignorance.
I also do not drive, as I startle too easily and fear causing an accident. Since developing PTSD, I ‘ve driven very little and, on two occasions, I caused car accidents. Both of them were my fault and completely avoidable had I not been on-edge.
I also do not care for television. It’s noise. Unless I find a great series I can follow, a good thriller, or a classic (black and white!) movie, the television is off. I’d rather listen to the sounds of Nature, including rainfall, than hear so much BS. The violence on television alone is epidemic, and that isn’t even including the News, which I don’t watch either.I’m not on social media at all Just another electronic leash, in my opinion, as well as inaccurate, and not life-enhancing. Socially, I’m a great party guest. I will talk to anyone and will approach everyone at a party without being introduced and ask them meaningful questions so that I might learn about them and get to know them on more than just a small-talk level. My quick wit helps disarm and charm those who aren’t accustomed to someone walking up to them at a gathering and introducing themselves. The alternative to this boldness is to just sit around and hope someone talks to me, which is not the reason to go to get-togethers. I do decline more invitations to events than I attend, including “important” ones like weddings, and I avoid funerals at all costs. Some people feel this is selfish on my part, but those people are either the ones who I have not shared too much of myself with, or those who are aware of my boundaries and don’t like, respect, or agree with them. I do not attempt to educate or convince them. I write them off.
I take time to nap when needed, and I retreat from the world when needed too. It’s a way to recharge my batteries, and being that I also have an immunity issue, rest is a necessary “prescription” to prevent myself from getting run down and sick.
That said, there are many things I do that are very enjoyable and actually boost my immunity, enhance my life, and enable me to connect with people on a deeper, more meaningful level, such as following your blog and offering anything that you may find of interest in your quest to learn more about your own condition.MaisondeForgeron is right about all the beauty she would miss if she didn’t care for herself in a healthy way. I experience that effect because tuning out to the world’s external yammering, drama, and noise enables me to see, hear, feel, smell, taste, touch, know, and experience truly amazing and beautiful things.
What I find very frustrating for you, Nikki, is the lack of memory between your alters. In a previous post, I’d pondered the possibly that alters may be extremely strong archetypes, and you replied explaining that your alters experience every emotion. The archetypes/faces/roles we take on also experience all emotions. It’s as if your brain is tremendously strong and, in an effort to survive, it separated the archetypes/roles into distinct ‘personalities’, drawing an unmistakable line of differentiation between each; right down to names, appearances, and memories.
You may have already told us, but at what age did this start for you? Did you mother or father or those who cared for and raised you notice a change in your manner and did they express concern? If you could go through second grade with one alter and then “wake up” in third grade without any memory of the second grade, I would think a parent or parental figure had to have been aware that something was happening… or that you would have told them that you couldn’t remember a huge chunk of your life.
To have such an unsupportive family…. I feel anger, disgust, and compassion about this. The compassion is for you. How could they desert you when you’d done nothing against them, nor did anything wrong? (Rhetorical) The fact that no one in your family believes you… Were you diagnosed by a mental health professional? It is the doctor that they don’t believe. Must be a quack, in their blinder-wearing eyes. Or, they wish to deny the event that caused your trauma and caused your brain to rewire. Or both.As your sister visits you, have you ever approached her about your condition and/or asked how she feels about it? Your own nieces don’t speak to you but she does? Why doesn’t she insist they show you some respect? Is their lack of communication out of the fear of ignorance, or because they will be semi-shunned and/or criticized if they do? You’d said that no one is allowed to have a mental illness in your family. My goodness! Haven’t we evolved as human beings to know that no one with a mental illness gave it to themselves, developed it intentionally, or decided that they plain out want to be ‘mentally ill’ and just went bonkers?!?!? (More rhetorical questions.)
Nikki, you are so smart and so right to create your own family and to surround yourself with only those who love, believe, and support you. Once one is of legal age, a person has the right to leave their immediate family behind if necessary and seek out those who will become family to them.Like @MaisondeForgeron, you have to give yourself permission to react in the way that will create the best result and situation for YOU. After all, if you let others dictate and drain you, you are harming yourself and doing that IS mentally ill. We all get a life and we all have the freedom to choose how to live it -- and who to let into it or kick out of it. Never apologize to anyone, or feel guilty, if someone or someone’s plan is just not part of your Life’s Design. Round peg, square hole. If it doesn’t sit well with you, then reject it.
I wonder if keeping a datebook, a simple pocket datebook, to mark daily moods, the days you feel integrated, and days when you feel switchy would be a useful and helpful tool for you. Mark down events or feelings each day no matter how you're feeling or which alter is active. After some months, you should begin to see if there is a pattern emerging, or a correlation between particular circumstances and your reaction to them. This is a completely ignorant example: Let’s say you have plans you’re excited about and the day before, you jot down in your datebook that you are feeling excitement and anticipation over those plans. If those plans change or get delayed, you may feel disappointed. You’d jot that down on that day. Now perhaps, two days later, a certain alter comes out, seemingly unrelated to the plans you’d had. This could be the start of better understanding your condition. Ever try anything like that?
Now, please correct me if I’m mistaken… It does sound like you can instruct or call forth specific alters when in need, having the one best suited for handling a particular situation take over for you. Am I correct about this?
Any yes, I agree that life should be about love and beauty – and contentment. Being sad/angry/frustrated (negative feelings) is an extreme. So is being happy, uplifted, and excited. For me, contentment is what I strive for, and I have become so good at it. It’s about being grateful for what you have, celebrating the benefits derived from your condition (Yes, really) ones that that others-unaffected do not have, not giving in to the “poor me” syndrome, enjoying the moments big and small, feeding and nourishing your spirit, connecting to G*d/The Universe/what ever name or term you wish to use. It’s about filling your heart with love, your head with laughter, your mind with knowledge, your days with adventure and discovery, your years with wisdom, your life with really good friends, and your surroundings with beauty (and great scents!), while creating more, learning more, and experiencing more so that you can give more, by sharing these treasures with others. And yes, Nikki, it IS the best way to live!
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@surfergirl3915 Thanks so much sweetie. Keep in mind that I am a bit of a grouch from time to time LOL. All kidding aside, it takes some guts to share the intimate details in your life. I can at least share some intimate things about myself too. We are both helping each other. It's what God would have us do also. Besides, us Cali girls have to stick together.
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@maisondeforgeron I would have sworn you had told me you were from Cali at some point. Sorry, if I got that wrong.
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@maisondeforgeron I am most definitely from California. Southern California as a matter of fact. I don't remember telling you but with my memory issues, I can't be sure of anything. Haha.
Nikki xx
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@sjlew You are so sweet, my sweet friend!!! Thank you for being my encourager!! You don't know how much I appreciate it. Just seeing your sets and your screen name always fills me with such joy. Thank you for being there for me. Keep making your beautiful sets, they inspire me to try to be half as creative as you are! Have a great day!
Nikki xx
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@funkyjunkygypsy You asked a lot of questions so I hope I answer them all. If I miss one, ask it again, I'm not evading anything.
You asked when it all started? My earliest memory is 5 years old. But I have alters who are younger than 5 so I don't know for sure. The youngest alters can't talk.
You also asked if my mother/father noticed a change in me? Well yes, but they just said I was "high strung" or "too sensitive." My sister made an interesting comment at our luncheon. She said, "You unfortunately were born when our mother no longer cared to be a mother." She said she felt I got the short end of the stick. I'm grateful to her for that little bit of validation. My father was an alcoholic. When he got drunk, he was abusive to me. It started very young. So, no, I didn't find any help at home. I tried to talk to my mother but it never ended well for me. She was the queen of denial and it was important to her that our family appear to be pristine. She was also gone from home a lot. I hope I didn't share too much. My life can be a whole lot to take in.
Was I diagnosed by a mental health professional? In my teen years, I had a psychiatrist who wanted to put me in a foster home but he left it up to me. My mother begged me not to bring stain on the family name. She said it would kill my father. I stayed in the home. In my adult years, yes, I was diagnosed and even hospitalized a couple of times. I was in therapy for 10 years at that time. Now I still am. It's ok. I'm glad for the help they give me.
Have I ever tried to talk to my sister? You bet. Finally, as an adult about 10 years ago, I tried to sit her down and tell her. She cried with me, said she wished she would have known, she would have stopped it. Then she slowly slipped to this place of denial and said "why didn't you tell me when you were little?" I said you wouldn't have believed me. She said if you would have told me then, I would have believed you. I said I'm telling you now and you don't believe me. She just chooses to think I have had bad therapists who somehow planted these memories in my mind. She has a daughter who has a degree in psychology and I think they kind of hatched this notion up. It's not really important if she believes me anymore. It doesn't change anything and I'm not out to prove anything to her.
I think my nieces just think of me as a drama queen. They think I want attention or something. I don't. I'm an introvert. I hide in the shadows. Both my nieces have been to college so I do not think they are ignorant. I think they are just like their mother who highly values her family's reputation. I kind of put a stain on the family.
Last, yes I can call forth alters sometimes. and for some things. Sometimes one will slip out without being called. So it goes both ways. An alter can call for me to come back. It feels kind of strange when it happens. Kind of tingly.
I hope I got all your questions answered. Thank you for your interest. It is good to know people are there. Believe it or not, it gets lonely in here!
Nikki xx
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I am much happier now that I have given up on trying to please my family and just be with the family I made for myself. My husband and son and my son's best friend (he call's me mom and has my 1st grandchild) and my niece (who isn't blood related), I have a family that I chose for myself and chose me. I don't deal well outside of my own little world very well, I can have my panic attacks or I can become very angry. I like to see the beauty, like you and I easily get along with people. It's just I've gotten so content at home away from the outside influences.
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@surfergirl3915 I think you told me when we were on PV together. I am from San Diego yoo hoo. I sure do miss the weather there. I live in hot humid south Texas now ugh LOL.
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@maisondeforgeron What part of South Texas do you live in? I live in SE Texas, near Beaumont. I've lived here all my life. I'm a born and bred Texan!
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@rboowybe Thank you for your comment! Yes, I have given up on pleasing my family of origin. It's nice to know others have similar problems with their families. It helps me realize I am not a bad person, they are just part of a dysfunctional family and it's hard to break out of old habits and ways of thinking. When I focus on my new family, life makes more sense and I am just happier. Again, I am grateful for your sharing. It means a lot to me.
Nikki xx
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Once again, sorry to hear that about your family. But still you have really good and important people in your life who support you, and who always are there for you. Thank you for posting this post.
P.S. I haven't finished reading all your posts, so, I will continue tomorrow
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@asia-12 It's ok! There are a lot of posts now!!! Thank you for reading.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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Hi darling,
I am fascinated by your blog. I am just a little bit of the way though, but already I am drawn into your world. So much of what you say makes sense and resonates with me. I don’t have alters but definitely distinct personalities that help me through life. The strong one, the musical one, the talkative one, the creative one, the curious one, the brave one and the child. I must go back to your page and look for the difference in your alters’ sets. Are you inspired by different things? Are you constantly discovering new ones? Maybe the answers will be found as I move through. It’s 4:15 am here and I should be asleep, but I am riveted.
‘ps so sad that we lost maisondefogeron. -
@fassionista I am so sad we lost Maisondeforgeron!!! I somehow feel responsible. It just makes me feel bad and I know that wasn’t her intention. But to answer your question, each alter has their own age and feelings about matters. They each act that age which can be problematic when they are out depending on the situation. My alters have different preferences, like different colors, foods, etc. it’s almost like they are different people yet they all reside inside my body. I think things will become clearer as you read more. If not, please don’t hesitate to ask questions as you go along. Thank you so much for reading and trying to understand. Hugs to you,
Nikki xx