Dissociation - My Life as a Multiple #7
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@sjlew You are so sweet, my sweet friend!!! Thank you for being my encourager!! You don't know how much I appreciate it. Just seeing your sets and your screen name always fills me with such joy. Thank you for being there for me. Keep making your beautiful sets, they inspire me to try to be half as creative as you are! Have a great day!
Nikki xx
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@funkyjunkygypsy You asked a lot of questions so I hope I answer them all. If I miss one, ask it again, I'm not evading anything.
You asked when it all started? My earliest memory is 5 years old. But I have alters who are younger than 5 so I don't know for sure. The youngest alters can't talk.
You also asked if my mother/father noticed a change in me? Well yes, but they just said I was "high strung" or "too sensitive." My sister made an interesting comment at our luncheon. She said, "You unfortunately were born when our mother no longer cared to be a mother." She said she felt I got the short end of the stick. I'm grateful to her for that little bit of validation. My father was an alcoholic. When he got drunk, he was abusive to me. It started very young. So, no, I didn't find any help at home. I tried to talk to my mother but it never ended well for me. She was the queen of denial and it was important to her that our family appear to be pristine. She was also gone from home a lot. I hope I didn't share too much. My life can be a whole lot to take in.
Was I diagnosed by a mental health professional? In my teen years, I had a psychiatrist who wanted to put me in a foster home but he left it up to me. My mother begged me not to bring stain on the family name. She said it would kill my father. I stayed in the home. In my adult years, yes, I was diagnosed and even hospitalized a couple of times. I was in therapy for 10 years at that time. Now I still am. It's ok. I'm glad for the help they give me.
Have I ever tried to talk to my sister? You bet. Finally, as an adult about 10 years ago, I tried to sit her down and tell her. She cried with me, said she wished she would have known, she would have stopped it. Then she slowly slipped to this place of denial and said "why didn't you tell me when you were little?" I said you wouldn't have believed me. She said if you would have told me then, I would have believed you. I said I'm telling you now and you don't believe me. She just chooses to think I have had bad therapists who somehow planted these memories in my mind. She has a daughter who has a degree in psychology and I think they kind of hatched this notion up. It's not really important if she believes me anymore. It doesn't change anything and I'm not out to prove anything to her.
I think my nieces just think of me as a drama queen. They think I want attention or something. I don't. I'm an introvert. I hide in the shadows. Both my nieces have been to college so I do not think they are ignorant. I think they are just like their mother who highly values her family's reputation. I kind of put a stain on the family.
Last, yes I can call forth alters sometimes. and for some things. Sometimes one will slip out without being called. So it goes both ways. An alter can call for me to come back. It feels kind of strange when it happens. Kind of tingly.
I hope I got all your questions answered. Thank you for your interest. It is good to know people are there. Believe it or not, it gets lonely in here!
Nikki xx
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I am much happier now that I have given up on trying to please my family and just be with the family I made for myself. My husband and son and my son's best friend (he call's me mom and has my 1st grandchild) and my niece (who isn't blood related), I have a family that I chose for myself and chose me. I don't deal well outside of my own little world very well, I can have my panic attacks or I can become very angry. I like to see the beauty, like you and I easily get along with people. It's just I've gotten so content at home away from the outside influences.
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@surfergirl3915 I think you told me when we were on PV together. I am from San Diego yoo hoo. I sure do miss the weather there. I live in hot humid south Texas now ugh LOL.
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@maisondeforgeron What part of South Texas do you live in? I live in SE Texas, near Beaumont. I've lived here all my life. I'm a born and bred Texan!
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@rboowybe Thank you for your comment! Yes, I have given up on pleasing my family of origin. It's nice to know others have similar problems with their families. It helps me realize I am not a bad person, they are just part of a dysfunctional family and it's hard to break out of old habits and ways of thinking. When I focus on my new family, life makes more sense and I am just happier. Again, I am grateful for your sharing. It means a lot to me.
Nikki xx
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Once again, sorry to hear that about your family. But still you have really good and important people in your life who support you, and who always are there for you. Thank you for posting this post.
P.S. I haven't finished reading all your posts, so, I will continue tomorrow
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@asia-12 It's ok! There are a lot of posts now!!! Thank you for reading.
Hugs, Nikki xx
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Hi darling,
I am fascinated by your blog. I am just a little bit of the way though, but already I am drawn into your world. So much of what you say makes sense and resonates with me. I don’t have alters but definitely distinct personalities that help me through life. The strong one, the musical one, the talkative one, the creative one, the curious one, the brave one and the child. I must go back to your page and look for the difference in your alters’ sets. Are you inspired by different things? Are you constantly discovering new ones? Maybe the answers will be found as I move through. It’s 4:15 am here and I should be asleep, but I am riveted.
‘ps so sad that we lost maisondefogeron. -
@fassionista I am so sad we lost Maisondeforgeron!!! I somehow feel responsible. It just makes me feel bad and I know that wasn’t her intention. But to answer your question, each alter has their own age and feelings about matters. They each act that age which can be problematic when they are out depending on the situation. My alters have different preferences, like different colors, foods, etc. it’s almost like they are different people yet they all reside inside my body. I think things will become clearer as you read more. If not, please don’t hesitate to ask questions as you go along. Thank you so much for reading and trying to understand. Hugs to you,
Nikki xx